An Inquiry...

**KHARMA** · 07-11-2008, 01:08 PM

Say for instance you're really serious about someone, damn near engaged, you have a trust fund nearing $1.2 million, you dont want to sign a pre-nup, what are some ways to protect the trust fund in the event you divorce? Will it even be in danger since its something thats exclusively yours?

Do you even bring it up to your soon-to-be?

**angeladc** · 07-11-2008, 01:12 PM

as far as the first and second question , i really don't know too many ways in which you stay covered if you choose to marry but personally i would not bring it up to my soon to be.that is something that only i should know because it wouldn't benefit him in anyway if he knew.

**BISHOP** · 07-11-2008, 01:18 PM

^^^^What she said....

wouldn't even bring it up.

**TUCKER** · 07-11-2008, 02:58 PM

So far the start off with secrets and deceptions thing seems to be the dominant reply. He probably shouldn't tell you about the 18 yr old child he supports since its his and it wouldn't benefit you to know either. Just pokin you baby girl. Damn the bull if your conscious bothers you, do what you know is right. If you scared, call the police! (just an expression)

**cc5k** · 07-11-2008, 08:21 PM

For starters, Doug is right. No offense Bishop and angeladc, but to keep a secret like that with your potential spouse speaks volumes about how seriously you take marriage.

KHARMA, I'm going to be frank. The only legal way to protect it is with a pre-nup. IMO, your lack of trust/confidence at this point (I'm assuming we're talking about you??) indicates that you will certainly end up in the group with the majority that end up divorced. The only question is how long til it happens (which, in most states, will determine how much of your $1.2 million he gets).

I suggest a pre-nup in your case if you get married. But, better yet, I suggest you don't even get married until you find a relationship that instills unquestionable confidence in yourself about your future. And you're not there right now.

**KHARMA** · 07-12-2008, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cc5k

For starters, Doug is right. No offense Bishop and angeladc, but to keep a secret like that with your potential spouse speaks volumes about how seriously you take marriage.

KHARMA, I'm going to be frank. The only legal way to protect it is with a pre-nup. IMO, your lack of trust/confidence at this point (I'm assuming we're talking about you??) indicates that you will certainly end up in the group with the majority that end up divorced. The only question is how long til it happens (which, in most states, will determine how much of your $1.2 million he gets).

who is frank and why do you want to be him? lol...anywho, I...uhh, "she" told him, he's not offended by a prenup

Quote:

I suggest a pre-nup in your case if you get married. But, better yet, I suggest you don't even get married until you find a relationship that instills unquestionable confidence in yourself about your future. And you're not there right now.

Its not that there is no trust, I just know $hit happens...I'm not banking on "them" getting a divorce, but just seeking some options...

**cc5k** · 07-12-2008, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KHARMA

who is frank and why do you want to be him? lol...

LOL... Frank is a guy who's honest and straight forward... tells it like it is. And he's really good looking, which always helps his delivery.

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anywho, I...uhh, "she" told him, he's not offended by a prenup

He's not? I find that hard to believe. Maybe he's not admitting/showing he's offended? If someone asked you for a pre-nup, what would you think about his level of confidence in the future of the marriage? We've talked about this a couple times up here. What is the person saying when they ask for a pre-nup?

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Its not that there is no trust, I just know $hit happens...I'm not banking on "them" getting a divorce, but just seeking some options...

I understand and believe that, but that's not enough to take the plunge for life imo. There has to be UNQUESTIONABLE trust. And other than not "banking" on there being a divorce, both have to be absolutely CERTAIN that there will NEVER be a divorce.

This is a very high standard, of course, and it's my personal opinion. By far, most of the people that get married go in without being at this level. And ~60% of marriages end in divorce, not to mention the ?? percent that stay married unhappily. Obviously there's a positive correlation between the two.

If marriage is just viewed as the natural next step in the dating cycle (like it is for a lot of people), then the possibility of divorce will be on the table (it's essentially like any other "break up" but with paperwork to go with it). If marriage is viewed as a life commitment that you will make your #1 priority in life, then divorce and pre-nups are not even on the table.

**KHARMA** · 07-12-2008, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cc5k

LOL... Frank is a guy who's honest and straight forward... tells it like it is. And he's really good looking, which always helps his delivery.

....sounds a lot like you!

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He's not? I find that hard to believe. Maybe he's not admitting/showing he's offended? If someone asked you for a pre-nup, what would you think about his level of confidence in the future of the marriage?

I dont know....the type of person he is, I know his eye is not set on money....I hope I didnt offend him. He knows I think the world of him...I guess when you look at it, in all actuality its not him, moreso me. again, i trust him, but there is always that "if" factor **disclaimer: I use "me" and "I" in place of actual person.**

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I understand and believe that, but that's not enough to take the plunge for life imo. There has to be UNQUESTIONABLE trust. And other than not "banking" on there being a divorce, both have to be absolutely CERTAIN that there will NEVER be a divorce.

Soo. what you're saying is, no throwing caution to the wind and just going for it? Got it....

But, CC, how can one (or both) be absolutely certain there will never be a divorce? If you walk in and find your wife taking "one to the mouth and one to the padussy," are you going to say "she's cheating with two dudes in my house, but I'm absolutely certain that there wont be a divorce here. ***Disclaimer:CC5k's wife was not caught in said situation***

Quote:

If marriage is just viewed as the natural next step in the dating cycle (like it is for a lot of people), then the possibility of divorce will be on the table (it's essentially like any other "break up" but with paperwork to go with it). If marriage is viewed as a life commitment that you will make your #1 priority in life, then divorce and pre-nups are not even on the table.

But again, isnt there always the posibility of divorce on the table? If your spouse changes for the worse after you're married, even if she was the model girlfriend/fiance before the vows, are you 100% sure you're going to stay with her and be "happily married" as you put it? What if she just blatantly starts disrespecting you? Having dudes calling your house, sending naked pictures via email to various men, engaging in un-wife like activities, are you still going to stay married? ***Disclaimer: CC5k's wife has not been engaging in un-wife like activities, to the best of my knowledge***

**cc5k** · 07-12-2008, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KHARMA

But, CC, how can one (or both) be absolutely certain there will never be a divorce? If you walk in and find your wife taking "one to the mouth and one to the padussy," are you going to say "she's cheating with two dudes in my house, but I'm absolutely certain that there wont be a divorce here.

In that case, there would be a divorce. This example is putting the cart before the horse, because I'm "absolutely certain" that I will never be faced with a situation like that.

For getting to that point, there are probably many ways to get there, but all I can tell you is how I got there. I'll keep it high level so I don't have to type 5 pages.

Before meeting my wife I dated a lot of women. A lot of beautiful, smart, caring, etc.. women; many of which "fell in love" with me (so they said). Quite a few were considered to be "the full package" by most men. And I could imagine (and did back then) what it would be like married to them. I pictured it being anywhere from miserable to "perfect", depending on the girl at the time. But something that was always missing was the ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that it would last forever. Notice I said "would last forever" instead of could.

I discussed marriage w/ my wife on one of our first "dates", where I told her that (statistically speaking, of ourse) our relationship will most likely not last forever. Suprisingly, she didn't find this romantic...

Anyway, it didn't really come up again until we had been dating seriously for a while (where I would even make a point of avoiding tempting situations with other women), had moved in together, and been living together happily for about a year in TX.

At that point we started discussing what marriage meant to each of us, and our definitions were about the same (and I think that's very important!). We both had seen a lot of people get married and divorced and stay unhappily married and both agreed and promised that we would never let that happen.

After many discussions about this kind of stuff, coupled with her proven history of while we were together, I became convinced that with her it really would be FOREVER.

Quote:

But again, isnt there always the posibility of divorce on the table? If your spouse changes for the worse after you're married, even if she was the model girlfriend/fiance before the vows, are you 100% sure you're going to stay with her and be "happily married" as you put it? What if she just blatantly starts disrespecting you? Having dudes calling your house, sending naked pictures via email to various men, engaging in un-wife like activities, are you still going to stay married?

Honestly, I don't see how this could ever happen. Of course we will both change as time passes, but we both have such strong respect for each other's feelings (read: altruism), that it's just not reasonable to grow apart in the way you've described. It sounds kind of mushy as I'm typing it out, but when making your spouse happy is your favorite thing to do, that keeps you on track for keeping them happy. Does that make sense?

**KHARMA** · 07-12-2008, 05:41 PM

in re: to cc's above post....I"M JEALOUS!!!!!!

seriously...thats beautiful. its a rare and wonderful thing when altruistic love makes its way into two people's hearts...rarely do BOTH people genuinely tend to place the other's needs and feelings before their own...good to see its not just a myth! Need more like ya'!

**cc5k** · 07-12-2008, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KHARMA

seriously...thats beautiful. its a rare and wonderful thing when altruistic love makes its way into two people's hearts...rarely do BOTH people genuinely tend to place the other's needs and feelings before their own...good to see its not just a myth! Need more like ya'!

Thanks!

**jaypeesmith** · 07-12-2008, 07:16 PM

I look at it this way, if you don't mind giving up half of what you have, don't do a pre-nup. A good lawyer is going to find out about the money, anyway, in the event of a divorce. Your friend might as well put it out there and deal with this issue sooner than later.

**TUCKER** · 07-13-2008, 02:00 AM

J P just summed it up and simplified it!